When Michelle Obama’s mother moved into the White House along with the First Couple to help care for her little granddaughters, it was easy food for late night comics. The premise was that having Obama’s mother-in-law – any mother-in-law – live in the house is a man’s worst nightmare.
Mother-in-law
However, in most people’s experience, it is more common for wives to confront their in-laws than men. There are many strong reasons for this. For one thing, women are more likely to have experience setting boundaries with their own mothers, a holdover from adolescence when they spent a lot of anguished energy trying to establish their independence and sense of separation from their mothers. This is not necessarily true of boys, who may be surprised as married men when their wives resent that their mom always comes over to give helpful advice on the “right” way to load the dishwasher.
Of course, wife / mother-in-law issues can run much deeper than housework. One of the most serious problems faced by a wife and her mother-in-law is parenting. If your mother was a stay-at-home mom, she might disapprove of her daughter-in-law’s choice to continue her career after the children are born, or vice versa.
Meanwhile, the husband feels caught in the middle. He wants to be loyal to his wife, but he also feels a deep connection to his mother; psychologically speaking, she was his first love long before his wife came on the scene. Choosing a side between his wife and mother is not a place he wants to be, and that’s when it can become not just a wife / mother-in-law problem, but a marriage problem.
So what can a couple do? You talk about it first as husband and wife. This may not always be easy, but if you can at least put issues on the table, you will better understand the complaints, fears, and expected results of others. It’s a start. Second, you need to show your wife that you are on their side and be firm with your mother, telling her, for example, that while you love Thanksgiving at her home, your wife is dying to organize it at yours this year. anus. Better yet, put on a united front and he will tell you that you both want to have him in their house. You should try to make her feel as wanted and included as possible, but stand your ground, even if she acts hurt.
Third, wives and mothers-in-law should communicate directly with each other when problems arise. If your mother-in-law criticizes the rules you have set for children, the place of worship you attend, or the color you painted in the living room, don’t always run to your husband to complain. Just tell her that these are decisions that you have made as a family, even though you respect that she would do things differently. In truth, it is fair to respect their feelings; If you have deep-seated feelings about religion, how children should be raised (or heck, even interior decorating), you may be genuinely disappointed to see that your husband’s new family lives in a way that differs from Your expectations. However, she owes you the same respect, and if you stand firm, she may learn to shut up. If possible, find areas where you have common interests so that you can at least change the subject when points of contention arise.
If friendship is out of the question, and accept it, they are somehow rivals for the same man’s affection, then at least try courtesy. The next time you feel the tension rising, remember this famous quote attributed to Mother Teresa: “Peace begins with a smile.”