For years I have longed for the fame, the glamor of being in the spotlight as one of the world’s great inspirational speakers. Such identification has been fundamental to my main objective, my vision, my purpose and my mission. And I’ve reinforced this over and over and over again. I have to be honest. I still long to be this. My motives are mixed, glamor as already mentioned, and the desire to be really effective in the world as an instrument of the Higher Self; that part of us that lies within; the part of God in us that gently but relentlessly drives us once we have reached a certain will to undertake personal change towards ‘egolessness’.
But the ego has clung to me, hounding me, giving me reasons why I should do this, why I shouldn’t do that. You should be a professional speaker. You should go around the world and be highly acclaimed. ‘You should become a billionaire.’ “You should gain prestige by giving away huge amounts of an even larger fortune.”
I know that peace of mind, love and joy lie within, and that a God-given sense of purpose and the ability to carry out that purpose are much more rewarding, yet the ego wants to have its way. Even this essay has an ego base; a search for approval from the Higher Self and from any reader who might happen to read it.
The very famous contemporary writer and speaker, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (a man I greatly admire and would love to emulate) says in his book, The Sacred Self, that in order to serve our Sacred Self (I call it the Self Superior) we must have to:
‘Be willing. Keep in mind that our job is simply not to interfere. Relax about the future, let it go. And throw away our goals and live our lives knowing that we’re co-creating it.’
Consciously, I am now ‘willing’. But I know that parts of the ego still crave glamour, fame, wealth, power and influence, specialization and importance. The ego still has a lot of strength. Although it is weakening. Yeah, and the ego doesn’t like it one bit. But to reiterate, consciously, I am now willing.
My job is not to interfere.
Oh how I interfered. Despite numerous explanations that have made it clear that I do not need to do anything, I have interfered. In fact, even this essay is a kind of interference. In fact, the Higher Self has been, and continues to be, very patient with me.
‘Relax about the future.’
This is something I can’t do yet. I see my mortal body like a ticking clock and I want to “arrive” before more time has passed. In a twelve to twelve clock scenario, I see myself around ten at night.
‘Throw goals and live your life knowing that you are co-creator’.
How can I shoot goals?
Well, I have, to an extent. I had a life script, a life plan, specific goals and much more, all written down. In fact, I had worked and accomplished many goals, some minor, some major (but minor really, as far as my immortal soul was concerned). But at least I had a sense of progress.
But in the ‘big’, to become a famous international professional public speaker, ‘Internal Management’ (Higher Self?) kept saying ‘No’. Or so it seems. Although it was not expressed as words, but as a lack of internal drive and commitment. Motivation seemed to run out like electricity from a car battery leaking to ground. Recharge after recharge through a motivational book or an inspiring speech could do nothing, it seemed.
Now, reluctantly, almost unintentionally, I bow to the impulses of the Higher Self. The ego versus the real me (little ‘s’) and the battle is still raging. ‘Score goals…’
Is it wrong to want to serve as a famous public speaker and presenter? Should I give up completely and say, God, take me as I am and do with me what you want? (With me, little me, or is it the ego that’s looking for a rise to earthly greatness as well as spiritual bliss?)
In my mind I have already said this: ‘Do with me what you want’. But there has been no joyous surrender on my (little me’s) part. It has been given reluctantly; a surrender rather than a joyful embrace of the Divine. My Higher Self knows. In fact, so does little me.
Yes, there is a crisis here. And at this moment. It is not one of agony, soul-searching and decision. But I don’t think it is. But this essay and the clarification of my thinking through an honest presentation of how I feel is having its effect, whatever it may be.
You see, Higher Self. It seems that I no longer know what I am.
When I first wrote what I thought was a wonderful statement: I am a great, interesting, moving, and above all effective public speaker, and I use this great gift to alleviate suffering and promote joy for the people of the earth.
I thought this was exactly what was right for me. Over and over I reinforced those words in one way or another until they became my lifelong obsession. (Hoping, too, that they were also the Holy Mission of my Life, my True Purpose) Because, they came from my heart. Or, at least, as close to my honest desires as I could put into words.
The penny just dropped. I am afraid to give up because I feel that I will become a non-entity; a nobody, and it is importance and approval that I seek. I am afraid of forgetting the ego. This is an ego thing. The ego is hanging by a thread here, desperate.
I hereby fully surrender to the Light of God.
How difficult it really has been for the little self, or is it an ego-driven self, to make that statement. I do it here, now, one more time.
I hereby fully surrender to the Light of God. Let’s see what happens now.