“Do I have to apologize if I want my ex-girlfriend back?” she tells me “Target…”
“It’s not that hard,” I tell him. “After all, mate, you screwed it up.”
“Yeah, I know…” he murmurs. “Goal…”
“No more goals!” I get angry with him. “Here’s the who, why, when, what, and where of the apology. Listen up!”
Who. This is obvious. Apologize to the woman you love, friend. No, not your mom. Your girlfriend. What is not so obvious here is the collateral damage that could have been caused. Are there other people associated with your girlfriend who are owed an apology? Your family or friends? Apologizing to the people she cares about will mean a lot to her. BUT, you apologize to HER FIRST. Don’t forget that.
why apologize? Because you screwed it up. If you want to show her that you really love and respect her, then you will apologize. Don’t bury it and hope it forgets it. Apologizing clears things up and gives you a chance to start over. If you’re thinking, “I want my ex girlfriend back, but she’s the one who needs to apologize,” then you’ll never get anywhere. Never apologize as a sneaky way of trying to get her to apologize. That is vulgar and manipulative. You should apologize because you’re sorry for what you did. Plain and simple.
When apologize and when not. There will be times when an apology will make it worse. Did you get into a bad situation? You may have to fix that situation before you apologize. Correcting the consequences of your actions will show him that you really understand that you did something wrong and that you are taking responsibility for it. Sometimes an apology is not enough. You’ll know it’s time to approach her, when you’ve done everything you can to make up for what you did.
What kind of apology? There are basically two concepts here that many people confuse. It’s saying “I’m sorry” and saying “Please forgive me.” If you’ve cleared things up enough and things seem to smooth over a bit, you can say, “I’m sorry, I hope you’ll forgive me.” If you did something really out of the ordinary and you think she’s not ready to forgive you, then don’t expect her to. Just say, “I’m really sorry about what happened.” Don’t apologize in this case, not if she hasn’t had time to process what happened.
Where and how do you approach her? It completely depends on her situation, but here are some basics. Never call her at work or approach her in a large group of people to apologize! This is a very private thing. It may be best to call her and ask if you can meet anywhere she likes. Let him know ahead of time that you intend to apologize. This will give her the opening she needs to decide if she is ready to accept your apology.
So there we have our five whowhatitz. And there you are in the cafeteria, she’s holding her double-shot extra-hot short-fat nonfat latte with hazelnut and whipped cream in her hands, and you’re holding a huge black coffee because that’s all you could think to ask for. What the hell you say? To be honest. Say only what you want to say. Offer your apology in the most direct way. “I’m sorry. I know I blew it. I’ve taken steps to make sure this never happens again and I’ve learned from it.”
At this point she will do one of two things. She accepts your apology or not. However, if she accepted your invitation to speak, it is unlikely that she will turn you down. Your odds are good that she accepts. Can you take this acceptance willingly? Please don’t jump up and yell “Whoo Hoo! Free mochas for all!” Just thank her with a smile on your face and ask her if she would like to go out to dinner. But what if she doesn’t agree? How do you take that with good grace? She listens carefully to everything she says. Those reasons why she is still angry will be her clues as to what she needs to work on next. Keep quiet and she agrees. Never explode in your face. Never go away angry. Just let her know that she’s sorry this is still hurting her and ask if there’s anything she can do to make it right. That’s when she can walk away with dignity and start thinking about her next move.