Married couples often talk to us and ask us a lot of questions. After a little chat and we settle in, the topic of communication comes up. Most of the time they will tell us that there is a communication problem and that it has become a big problem in their marriage. The interesting thing is that both spouses agree that they have communication problems in their relationship. Well, we have good news; we can help you or at least give you something to think about.
Communication and Marriage: You Sound Like Your Mom/Dad
There are some homes where “we don’t talk about our feelings”, you don’t respond and what is said goes! You learn to hide your feelings because they don’t really matter. There are homes where yelling, screaming and slamming doors are the norm. You learn that the loudest wins! There are even homes where families discuss family matters and calmly talk about their disagreements. You learn that everyone needs to be respected and listened to.
Some people grew up in homes where we used manipulation and control to get our way, some people grew up in homes where affection was replaced by gifts and rewards when we made our parents/caregivers happy and when we let them down things were withheld or removed away.
* Marginal note: These examples can take place in a single parent household, a household that has two parents; it can take place growing up with your grandparents, aunt, foster home, etc.
As a married person, we find ourselves doing and saying things to our spouse that sound and seem very familiar. We find ourselves sounding and acting like our parents/caregivers and many times we don’t recognize it; it just makes sense to you, so why not?
Now, put two people together who come from different homes and different backgrounds: “well, we talked about things in my house”, “we said what we had in mind and you just have to deal with it!”. I don’t have to go on, can you see how that’s a recipe for conflict? Because we operate from different perspectives (the way we learned how conflict is viewed and handled), we often believe the other person is wrong. Perspectives lead us to believe that we just don’t communicate with each other.
Communication and marriage: breakdown of communication
So we’ve learned that conflict and how it’s dealt with can look very different to our spouse depending on the environment they grew up in. There are some other factors that contribute to your communication problems; let me know if you can relate to any of them:
- We make a big deal out of something that is small, or make something that is a little bit bad seem like the biggest sin in the world!
- We think we know what will happen in the future and we only know that it will be very bad!
- We think we know what our spouse is thinking, or doing something, without having enough or all the necessary information to prove it. You just know it!
- We have a negative belief about ourselves and we think that belongs to everything we do, so we take the position that everything is your fault.
- And one of the greats, if you feel something, it MUST be true!
When you combine the differences between our home environments and some of these misconceptions right, it can seem like communication is a big deal in your marriage. I’ll tell you in all seriousness that you don’t have any communication problems! They communicate well, but the problem is how and what they communicate with each other.
Communication and Marriage: Finding Common Ground
It is very important that people feel heard when talking to others, especially when trying to share their concerns, thoughts and feelings. When you try to do this and the other person starts to give a response before you finish speaking, it’s hard to believe that they heard you. When we start to trade or start a conversation guided by some of the thinking errors mentioned above; there is very little chance that we are listening.
Take some time to sit down with your spouse and share what the conflicts in your home were like as you grew up. This is not the time to excuse your behavior or judge each other; this is actually a good exercise to get closer, to connect with each other on a deeper level.
This is a time of change in you as a couple. As you share your experiences, look for ways you can change and communicate your thoughts and feelings that help your spouse hear what they need, and listen to your spouse for feeling words that allow you to hear their needs as well. DO NOT use what is shared with each other as ammunition in future conflicts. We, as married couples, must always put the relationship before the need to be right. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree in order to maintain the relationship; Newsflash: We are NOT right all the time, and if we allow it, time will show you how important maintaining the relationship is over being right. Your goal in marriage should always be to stay connected.