You fall in love with a man who has children. You fall in love with a woman who has children. These children are small, then you immerse yourself in the flow of everyday life of those children. Possibly against the will of the other biological parent, themselves AND maybe even yourself. Custody can put pressure on children, biological parents, and the new marriage that is involved.
This is not always a fairy tale as it seems. Those children have been raised by different people. With different standards. They may have a completely different moral upbringing than you or your own children who also enter the picture.
How do you think you will be a stepfather or stepmother:
It is easy to say “They are just kids, they will come” or to say “I will leave parenthood in the hands of biological parents and be the friend of the children” or “I will be the cool father in their lives”, but those adages do not solve all the cases. Custody can influence the family to show more ‘best interests’ for the children.
Custody does not depend on who ‘loves’ them the most. Being brought in with custody issues, stay-at-home stepmothers and stepfathers still have to have some authority to discipline when the biological father is in the store, at work, or at school. They need authority in the home to command respect and not be trampled on or fooled by either biological parent during custody disputes.
It’s always easy to judge from an outside perspective and think that you really wouldn’t have THAT much hands-on time. Especially when both you and your spouse work. But consider that you are marrying someone who has a young child. They decide to run to the store, are you going to stop learning to go to the bathroom or will you refuse to change a diaper or will you not feed them until the father returns? Are you going to politely ask the child to listen and not draw on the walls because it is not your place to discipline him when he is caught doing something wrong and let him continue? Are you going to let the fights between stepchildren get completely out of control because you have no authority to make them listen to you?
For the sake of your stepchildren, I hope not. In some cases, parenting can be wonderful. Both biological parents may be mature enough to understand that love will be found after their separation and that hugging more people who love their children is the best thing for their children.
How biological parents behave:
In other cases, there is not always maturity. There is bitterness, anger, resentment, or even pure hatred. Divide the children and confront them with one or the other parent. There could be a parent pressuring and coercing their children to say or say bad things in order to get custody. And when a stepfather signs up in that kind of situation, the biggest target becomes that stepfather’s back.
In my experience, Step Parenting started off pretty easy. The children were quick to accept me and love my entire extended family. Once her birth mother realized that I was here to stay, things took a turn for the worse. Custody became a problem as things had deteriorated for the children after my arrival. And with that, adoptive parenting became a battlefield in my own home versus asking for respect, asking my husband to support my game, and making sure that the children I was not there replaced anyone.
The pickups and returns were driven by panic. How will the children behave today? Are they clean and excited about the week we’ve planned, or have they been forced to think that spending time with us is just to be mean to their mom? Is our birthday party as good as hers? Will they ever complain about every meal I cook vs. his mother? On this holiday, will the children be excited or crying again because of how sad their mother is to be with us? Will they bring up the custody hearing and say what their mother has told them this week? How many weeks will this continue? For me, it will last 3 years.
There are resources for blended families and custody, such as family counseling and counseling, that can help. But if there is no specific team in your private home, no amount of therapy can withstand the pains of being in the middle of a situation you weren’t even part of from the beginning. Finger pointing, misbehavior, and resentment will rise so rapidly in children in some of their most formative years that they can take God’s hand and His wisdom to undo the work of bitter men and women in their lives.
I’m not saying it can’t happen, but the ride to perfection when starting such a bumpy road seems excruciating. It may seem that there is no end in sight. It may be better to withdraw for your sake. But is not. You are the only parent, you and your spouse, who is willing to fight for the best for them, so you must understand that there is a purpose.
We may not understand the journey. Or why the road is so bumpy right now or why even custody should be questioned, but kids thrive on consistency. Be there and be a light in their lives. They will come to see it. You have to wait to be around to see them see it. Otherwise, have faith that God has reunited you with the person you should be with. Only the two of you can face the forces of the world together. Only the two of you can get through this garbage-filled story together. Dig down the dirt road and start building cobblestones that will guide you on a better path than it ever was.
In the end, marrying someone is not something to be taken lightly from how society is pushing for marriage to be viewed. And when the kids are involved, time and understanding is the only thing that will help you persevere. Especially when custody in court is going to be at stake. Sometimes it feels like we are wandering through the forest with no humanity in sight, but there is always humanity outside the forest and there is always light at the end of the tunnel.