As a divorced or divorced parent, how are communications between you and your ex or future ex?
And more importantly, how is the current dynamic affecting your children? Have you even stopped to think about this?
Reflecting on the beginning of your relationship, think of the excitement, the anticipation, the romance, and the wonderful conversations you used to have. Did it seem like you two could talk about anything and everything? I bet the bond between you two was magnetic!
This magical connection between the two of you has now faded into oblivion at this point in your separation or divorce situation, surely in large part due to the breakdown in communications and the obvious disconnection.
What led to the discord and why did it happen?
What changed? Or maybe a more precise question is “Who changed?”
Do you remember the specific moment when things started to change? Did the listening stop and the reactive behavior start?
When it comes to divorce, more often than not, one “side” stops caring to listen or starts being provoked by things the other says or does.
When frustration and anger take over, it’s often because things are being taken personally, which is what triggers a reaction. The reactions are usually defensive or anger-based and all too often lead to an ongoing battle between the two of you.
There is a great irony when you take things personally. Chances are good that your ex-spouse’s reactions have little or nothing to do with you and everything to do with your own past experiences and relationships.
However, a deep fear is triggered within you, leading to reactionary behavior filled with disdain, defensiveness, frustration, anger, and resentment.
The added irony is that when you react, the ex takes your words and behavior personally, which serves to further trigger their own embedded fears, pouring more fuel into already reactionary hell.
This becomes a vicious cycle that is extremely difficult to stop.
The worst part of all this is the impact on your children. There may be emotional and psychological trauma that can negatively affect their own future relationships and lives.
As a father, everything he says and does is an example, teaches and impacts his children. Even when they are not present during an interaction between you and your other parent.
How is this possible? Because both you and the other are angry, and without realizing it, you react to things your children say or do instead of remaining calm and affable. You are also emanating energy fueled by the burning heat of the overwhelming emotions that caused you to react in the first place.
The example you set in your relationship with your ex, the other parent of your children, is how they unconsciously believe relationships are supposed to be. This bears repeating… The way he interacts with his ex-spouse is the way his children believe relationships will be for them. This can absolutely affect your children’s future relationships.
Be aware of the impact of your words, choices, actions, and reactions on your ex, yourself, and your children. There is a consequence, a ripple effect for every choice you make, especially the choices you make in relation to how you are handling the situation with the other parent of your children. Whether you realize it or not, your children are trapped and entrenched in the middle.
When you STOP taking what your ex says or does personally and START to be calm and think things through, you can set in motion a dramatic change that will benefit everyone, especially your children, but also you.
You will set a more positive example for your children. They will be more balanced and happy.
It will also lessen your own frustration, anxiety, and anger. Yes, this in turn will have an additional positive impact on your own health!
How do you begin to create this shift in communications and stop taking things personally from your ex?
Getting Clarity for what you really want to create for your kids and laser-tuning the reason WHY you want to do this. For me, this was absolutely and completely about my very young daughter.
Yes, your children are the reason he is so much bigger than you or your ex.
Your kids are WHY you need to STOP making it personal and START making it about your kids…for their sake and yours.