I’ve been listening to “Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown for the last few days. One of the things she talks about is “wearing armor” or dressing up every day to keep everyone (and I mean everyone) at a distance. I loved when she compares “dressing in armor” to donning Spanx. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn Spanx but I’ve tried it once… or maybe twice and it’s an ordeal. Trust me, it was worse than trying to zip up my Sassoon jeans while she was lying on an airless bed when she was 15. So this analogy really hits the spot.
It also reminds me of my New York attitude when I was in the Big Apple earlier this summer. You put on your sunglasses, take off your smile and stomp down the street. That cold look of “leave me alone” so that people don’t ask you for money and you can follow your path on the sidewalk without interruptions or course corrections from anyone. It is exhausting. The antidote is vulnerability. So how do you lose armor?
Here are some tips:
one. Moment. Instead of shutting everything down, you need to be present in the moment. Author Olivia Fox Cabane recommends feeling her toes. Feeling your toes makes you aware of the moment. I remember breaking my arm when I was thirteen. I remember every moment, smell, sight, and taste of the ER experience. When you are truly in touch with your body, you are truly in the moment. Don’t bother breaking your arm, just keep in touch with your toes and you’ll be in the moment.
two. Eyes. Observe the color of people’s eyes. When you listen to your child, your client, or your spouse, look for the little flecks of color in their eyes. But, as Drake Baer wrote in Fast Company, “Eye Contact Goldilocks comes in two flavors: If you’re in a one-on-one situation, hold eye contact for 7 to 10 seconds; while if you’re in a group, reduce it to 3 to 5 seconds.” If you don’t make eye contact, you will appear (intentionally or not) to be untrustworthy. So don’t give them an eye test. and as you walk the streets of Manhattan, take off your glasses and get connected. Look them in the eye.
3. Perspective. When listening to your partner or boss, try to focus on their perspective. This is not the time to chime in with how you got stuck in traffic for two hours and the “please feel sorry for me” rebuttal. Stay focused on your “story” regardless of whether you feel like you’re viewing from a biased perspective. Feel their perspective and embrace it. This is not the time to fight her. Regardless of what “lens” you’re looking at, it’s not your “lens”. As David Rock says, no two brains are the same, and whatever your point of view, it is what it is. Accept the other person’s perspective.
Four. Nix sympathy. Don’t respond sympathetically. At first I found this difficult to understand. As Brené says on his CD, when you empathize, you get into the hole with your friend and help him out, when you sympathize, you stand on the edge of the hole, look at your friend and say you’re sorry he’s in. the hole. Essentially, sympathizing allows you to rise above the person and let them wallow in suffering. I think there is a place for sympathy (ie funerals), but if you really want to help your friend who just dumped her boyfriend, now is not the time for sympathy.
5. Answer. Instead of sympathy, respond with empathy. The easiest way to do this is to label the other person’s feelings. “I can see that you are upset that your boyfriend left you.” “Obviously you’re frustrated that you had to cancel the meeting.” Tagging works from a brain perspective in that it clarifies what you heard and lets them know if you did it right or not. They might respond, “I’m not frustrated; I’m angry.” But make sure you’re on the same page. You’ve identified with your prospect and been open enough to “label” the feeling. Respond to the feeling with empathy.
Being more present and vulnerable is work. Is not easy. Take one step at a time. You will get there. Eventually, you will be able to leave your armor at home.
What are you protecting yourself from?