I joined Match.com a few days ago. I have been with Match 4-5 times since the early 2000’s. I joined because they have the largest database of potential partners. Before I came back to Match, I was on a couple of smaller “niche” dating sites, but they didn’t have enough members to be effective at what is essentially a numbers game.
At this point, I recently only “went out” with one person I met on a dating site. I was more interested in her than she was in me, and we ended up being friends with her, but she woke me up, opening me up slightly to realize how much I want a partner in my life. But since I still can’t talk about the internet dating part this time, this article will focus on meeting people. It will also focus on a man’s perspective, but I hope it will be useful for women as well.
The last time I was on Match, my inbox literally exploded with over 90 replies to my profile in a couple of days, and that’s happening again as I write this. I don’t put that down to me being some kind of fabulous guy (although I think I am!). I think the real reasons my inbox explodes are twofold: One, as a professional writer and counselor for men and couples, I write a really good profile, and I’d like to think that’s part of it, but I also think it’s because I am fresh meat.
Fresh red meat. To quote the Eagles, “There’s a new boy in town.” The ladies are older, yes, but there is a large market of women 60 and older, divorced and widowed, looking for a partner.
I only need one. What is correct.
Separated, Not Divorced
I don’t jump right in when a previous relationship ends. I’ve been married twice and my personal style is to re-know who I am as a single person before unfairly foisting myself on a potential new partner. As a consequence, I am a bit amazed that a part of the women who initiate contact with me are only separated, their divorces are not finalized yet.
I can’t help but wonder how anyone can move on to another relationship before their current relationship is complete. It may be over, but it’s certainly not complete and it’s doubtful that such a person would have had a chance to fully heal. It’s too fast. My experience supports the idea that these are people who can’t stand being alone and invariably end up carrying problems from the last relationship to the new relationship, creating a cycle of broken relationships. When one of these women contacts me, I politely decline the engagement as I am not interested in dating someone who is still married. This is not a moral judgment. It is an insight based on knowledge of how things normally work. Not always, of course, but who wants to roll those dice?
the young woman
I am amazed at the number of likes I get from women who are younger than my two daughters. My first thought is always, “what are you thinking?” Some actually invite me to chat, but most don’t and are just flirting through their likes, probably “fishing” for an older man who will accept them for any reason, including supporting them, being a sugar daddy, or simply seeking parental approval that they probably didn’t get from a male figure earlier in life.
Perhaps some of them are annoyed by the discomfort of many young men and are seeking a degree of non-threatening contact with men who can easily soothe and address their own shortcomings with older women. There may be a small number of young women, and men, who actually benefit from one of these May-December relationships, but here we go again, rolling the dice on something that reasonably has very little chance of working out.
My personal rule of thumb about dating by age has been that I probably won’t even consider someone who isn’t at least 10 years older than my oldest daughter. That is becoming less of an issue as my oldest daughter will be 50 next year. I also like the concept of dating “age appropriate”, whatever that means to each individual, and it’s a personal choice.
Do you have a friend
Clearly, some of the weirdest emails I get are the ones where someone claims to be writing for a friend. They start by saying that their account is expiring soon, that they are not renewing, and that they have a very shy friend who would be a perfect match for me, and here is the email address and a warning to treat her with kindness. because it is very fragile.
This is wrong on many levels. First, it violates Match’s policy of not giving out email addresses on first contact. Second, there is no denying that there are many fragile and broken people in the world, but (1) why would they accept an email from someone they don’t know if they are so shy and (2) why would I want to be involved with someone who is so fragile and broken? Does my shadow love your shadow?
This is a scam and I’m wondering if they specifically target seniors like me, which leads me to…
The older man and ageism
That would be me. I am not suggesting that she would or should date older men. I mean how strange it is to be in the situation I find myself in: I will be 73 years old at the end of this month and I was pretty sure I would still be happily married for the rest of my life. I never imagined that I would be in a situation where I am not only writing this article, but on Match.com looking for a partner, hopefully the last great love of my life, and trying to figure out what exactly that means. . I mean, 73! Definitely uncharted territory.
The first thing that comes to mind is that, at 73, I seem to be at the top end of the older men’s Match group. Not the oldest, but definitely close enough that it doesn’t matter. There is good news and bad: The good news is that there are many men in their 60s who look older than me. The bad news is that I have bad knees that are hopefully replaceable, and that’s my next move, as alternative regenerative stem cell therapy didn’t work for me despite the promises.
Earlier in this article, I touched on the woman who woke me up and gave me the gift of knowing that I could love again. I was hoping I could, which is why I joined a dating site in the first place. She is 60 years old and at first she was skeptical of even meeting a 72 year old man and I was put in the position of looking for a “younger” woman. Using her humor, I enticed her to meet me and we both immediately liked each other and I am extremely grateful for her valued friendship.
One of the challenges here is that, on the one hand, some women, both young and old, say that age is relative, that age is just a number. they are correct. On the other hand, if another woman says that a certain age is too old, or a man says that a woman is too young, they are also right. Yes, both things can be true.
When I first went on a dating site a few months ago, I remember thinking, “A lot of these women look like my aunt,” and then one morning I walked in front of my mirror and realized I look like my uncle. Welcome to my awareness of my own ageism.
conclusion
It is interesting that the impulse to love and be loved is so strong in us, no matter our age. I’m grateful to my friend for helping me wake up so I don’t decide that I’m just going to be alone. I considered…briefly.
However, while I’m searching, I’m also building the best life I can for myself and I’m going to have fun doing it. In the meantime, I am now in a relationship with _______ (insert your dating site name here), and will eventually replace him with someone I know.
So thanks for reading. My hope is that some of this has given you insight into your own relationship, existing or longed for. Maybe you feel inspired to fix your existing relationship so that you don’t end up going through this in your life. If you’re not in a relationship, you may feel inspired to open your heart to the possibility of love, no matter your age. Any path is a guarantee that you are still alive and vibrant.
I could go on, but you get the idea. I’m going to check if I have a new mail from Match!