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A 3 day travel tour in Los Angeles

Day 1: Landing at Los Angeles International Airport at 10:00 p.m. Full body inspection at Customs for bacteria verification. 3 hours of waiting for luggage delivery and another 3 hours to find the departure gate. Overnight bus transfer to hotel with TVs above every seat showing bodybuilding TV shows. Breakfast at the hotel on arrival: two eggs, sourdough toast, a splash of coffee or chocolate and fresh orange juice.

Morning tour of the Beverly Hills ghetto by trolley. Regular stops to allow tour participants to take pictures of Brenda’s house and Dylan’s university. Daytime view of Sunset Boulevard and Santa Monica by bus. 2 miles on Angeles Crest Scenic byway, merge onto SR1 overlapping I-405, then exit east onto Riverside Drive after reaching traffic light 44 Verdugo Road. Confusing responses to participants asking where Melrose Place is.

Lunch at a macrobiotic restaurant located at 7119 Melrose Avenue. Menu: baked tortilla strips, Brussels sprouts and sparkling mineral water. Digestive coyote shooting contest on the Glendale Expressway. Unlimited ammo. Rest of the afternoon free.

Dinner at the hotel, then a late night party at the Beckham’s with Keanu Reeves and Britney Spears.

Day 2: Early departure for Crenshaw with police escort. Brief stop at Baldwin Village. Freestyle rap exhibition followed by live street performance by three members of the Black P. Stones. Eyewitness tour of the 1992 riots with video projection of the beating of Rodney King, along with a speech by George Bush Sr. on “mob brutality” violently challenging “good, decent cops.” Quick shopping at a gun store and brief explanations for tour participants who wondered why they couldn’t see a single store like that in Beverly Hills the morning before.
Lunch in a grimy Mexican bar and a live abortion of a Puerto Rican woman in the bathrooms. Other questions from participants who definitely can’t understand what’s going on here.

4-hour transfer to Dodger Stadium to watch a baseball game between the LA Dodgers and the New York Giants. Thunder of applause for Greg Maddux matchless fastball with the fingers matches and final victory for the Dodgers.

Late night party at Snood Dogg’s villa with Jay-O-Felony and Kurupt: snuff movie script session with Dimitri Kuznetsov’s cousin, video games in the living room, sex orgy on the stairs and smoking dope by the pool . The police inspection at 3 in the morning was easily solved with coke and dollars.

Day 3: Horrible hangover and immediate repatriation to listen to participants who overdosed in their sleep. Email sent to their families. Day of relaxation for others at Cal State LA Fitness Center, with body massage and boiling bath. Jogging and tennis with Monica Seles.
Cancellation of the expected afternoon visit to Hollywood, due to the sudden strike of the gardeners who did not see why they were the only ones who did not jerk off from Meg Ryan.

Transfer to Los Angeles airport. Take off at night. Bodybuilding show on screens. He eternally regrets having to fly back and join his wife in Nottingham.

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